I am painfully aware I haven’t written any blogs or articles for a few months. There are a few reasons for this. Firstly I’ve been busy getting married and skiving off to New Zealand. Secondly I’ve been very busy promoting the new book so the idea of writing more rubbish doesn’t really appeal. Thirdly I’ve been even busier doing my actual job of designing and building websites for our wonderful customers and haven’t had time to write what’s on my mind – not that most of what is on my mind is suitable for print anyway.
Of course I’m not the only one who has been busy. Google and Facebook have continued to busy themselves with their plans for world domination and their vocal antagonists have been equally busy trying to convince everyone that these evil companies are invading our privacy by using internet mind probes to read our thoughts and violate our human rights.
On the subject of privacy, I was forwarded an email today reminding me about changes to privacy laws surrounding website cookies. As wonderful and tasty as this sounds, it’s really rather annoying. Some twat somewhere has decided that all websites are evil and have been built for the sole purpose of spying on us. As a result, we are now supposed to inform users when a cookie is placed on their computer, how it’s placed there, why it’s placed there and whether or not it is going to suck their life-force out of them and kill their families.
So how are we supposed to do this? Well it turns out we need to add privacy notices to all websites or make additions to existing privacy policies explaining this pointless and nonsensical addition just to satisfy some pen-pushing bureaucrat with small genitalia. Or, to put it another way, it looks like I’m going to be doing a lot more writing over the next few months.
Friday, 2 March 2012
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
To whom it may concern
I'd like to start this month's blog with a question. This question is for o2 and Apple. It's just a little thing really but I was wondering; is there any chance of my new iPhone ever working? Only I'm beginning to wonder what the point is in having a phone that puts everyone straight to voicemail when they call and keeps crashing.
Seriously, I have missed a number of phone calls – some quite important ones – because people have been directed to the answer phone for no reason. I've been cut off mid conversation literally dozens of times now, which I'm sure is down to this awful new O.S. Apple have introduced. The last software upgrade completely bombed out and resulted in me having to do a complete restore. That was annoying in itself but not half as annoying as iTunes not recognising the restored settings which meant I had to set the phone up from scratch.
Seriously guys, who do you think you are? Microsoft? If I wanted something that crashed every 5 minutes I would stick with my PC. Or hire Lewis Hamilton as my chauffer.
If that wasn't bad enough, I don't have internet access. Ever. I gave up with 3G ages ago because the coverage is rubbish. Recently, however, I haven't had any sort of internet connection whatsoever. It seems worse when I'm in my house. It's as if there is some sort of electronic black hole that is sucking all connectivity out of the universe.
This has become so bad that I have very nearly hurled my phone across the living room several times in a fit of rage. I've only refrained from doing this by reminding myself that I didn't take out the insurance.
I mentioned this last month and I'm quite convinced this is the reason why my phone isn't working. I'm sure I'm being punished for being a tight-arse. So my next question is this: Dear o2, would my phone work properly if I blew £10 per month on something I know I'm never going to use just so your staff can have an extra beer at your Christmas dinner or am I going to have to buy a Samsung Galaxy next year?
Kind Regards
Mr Grumpy Pants
Seriously, I have missed a number of phone calls – some quite important ones – because people have been directed to the answer phone for no reason. I've been cut off mid conversation literally dozens of times now, which I'm sure is down to this awful new O.S. Apple have introduced. The last software upgrade completely bombed out and resulted in me having to do a complete restore. That was annoying in itself but not half as annoying as iTunes not recognising the restored settings which meant I had to set the phone up from scratch.
Seriously guys, who do you think you are? Microsoft? If I wanted something that crashed every 5 minutes I would stick with my PC. Or hire Lewis Hamilton as my chauffer.
If that wasn't bad enough, I don't have internet access. Ever. I gave up with 3G ages ago because the coverage is rubbish. Recently, however, I haven't had any sort of internet connection whatsoever. It seems worse when I'm in my house. It's as if there is some sort of electronic black hole that is sucking all connectivity out of the universe.
This has become so bad that I have very nearly hurled my phone across the living room several times in a fit of rage. I've only refrained from doing this by reminding myself that I didn't take out the insurance.
I mentioned this last month and I'm quite convinced this is the reason why my phone isn't working. I'm sure I'm being punished for being a tight-arse. So my next question is this: Dear o2, would my phone work properly if I blew £10 per month on something I know I'm never going to use just so your staff can have an extra beer at your Christmas dinner or am I going to have to buy a Samsung Galaxy next year?
Kind Regards
Mr Grumpy Pants
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
Good news is no news
I haven’t had much to say of late which is surprising given the amount that has been going on in recent weeks. Facebook has once again been pissing off the entire world by changing the layout of users’ profile pages and making it even more illogical than the previous set of changes they annoying introduced last year. Apple’s Steve Jobs sadly passed away and now Blackberry are paying tribute to their rivals by holding a 3 day silence.
How something so monumental could go tits up at Blackberry is beyond me. They do sort of have my sympathy because I know what it’s like when servers explode. Having said that, if I had the resources, budget and technical wizardry of Blackberry, I would have hired a team of experts to ensure that this sort of thing can’t happen.
On an almost related note, my iPhone is irritating me too. I know it's probably more to do with o2 than Apple but my iPhone is now almost utterly useless. I mentioned a while ago that my contract expired and, since then, it hadn’t been working as well. It was slow, the internet connection was rubbish and people kept being put straight to answer phone for no reason.
Having got bored waiting for the iPhone 5 to be released, I went ahead and got an upgrade with an older model (because the phone was free and I’m a cheapskate). Because I had the last phone for over 2 years and never dropped it, lost it or flushed it down the toilet, I decided to forgo the insurance this time (again, because I’m a cheapskate).
Now, whether it’s because I’m now paying the bare minimum for an outdated piece of equipment and o2 are punishing me for being a cheapskate, this new phone is even worse than my last one. The internet connection is spasmodic to say the least, 3G is almost non-existent and people are still being put straight the answer phone. Not only that but it has crashed several times when my beloved fiancée has been talking at me.
So it’s not all bad then.
How something so monumental could go tits up at Blackberry is beyond me. They do sort of have my sympathy because I know what it’s like when servers explode. Having said that, if I had the resources, budget and technical wizardry of Blackberry, I would have hired a team of experts to ensure that this sort of thing can’t happen.
On an almost related note, my iPhone is irritating me too. I know it's probably more to do with o2 than Apple but my iPhone is now almost utterly useless. I mentioned a while ago that my contract expired and, since then, it hadn’t been working as well. It was slow, the internet connection was rubbish and people kept being put straight to answer phone for no reason.
Having got bored waiting for the iPhone 5 to be released, I went ahead and got an upgrade with an older model (because the phone was free and I’m a cheapskate). Because I had the last phone for over 2 years and never dropped it, lost it or flushed it down the toilet, I decided to forgo the insurance this time (again, because I’m a cheapskate).
Now, whether it’s because I’m now paying the bare minimum for an outdated piece of equipment and o2 are punishing me for being a cheapskate, this new phone is even worse than my last one. The internet connection is spasmodic to say the least, 3G is almost non-existent and people are still being put straight the answer phone. Not only that but it has crashed several times when my beloved fiancée has been talking at me.
So it’s not all bad then.
Thursday, 11 August 2011
New designs and world domination
As well as keeping you all informed and generally ranting on this blog, we also like to try and keep you all informed about the latest goings on within our own company. After all, we care about you. We love you all.
As you may or may not know, we have been slowly re-designing our Securio server behind the scenes (oh that’s where you go to use all your apps and website administration by the way!)
As nice as the current dashboard is, it no longer bears any resemblance to our current branding. It’s just one of those things that we have never been bothered to update. However, it’s really annoying me now so I’ve made a concerted effort to do something about it.
Anyway, we are currently re-designing not only the main Securio dashboard but also all the app dashboards. They will all carry a more uniformed look and will match our website much more.
As part of this overhaul, we are also re-developing some of the apps. Mailermatic and Clickmachine are both being slightly revised (and when I say revised I mean improved) and Mailermatic in particular will feature more…err… features. Alliteration aside, it will be good. There will be a choice of templates, the ability to suggest new templates through your Wishlist and a generally better navigation.
Our improvements go deeper than that as well. In the long term, we are also expanding the Securio dashboard to incorporate everything else. Ultimately, this will be the place you go to view invoices, statements, payments, quotes, jobs and basically everything relating to your account with us. That is a much longer-term plan and will be a phase 2 job.
Once we have done that, we will set into motion phase 3, which is our plan for the takeover of the country. Once we have laid the groundwork for that, we will set about taking over the world.
Back to reality and phase 1 (which is the re-designing of the dashboards and apps) will hopefully be finished this side of Christmas. Hopefully the new Mailermatic and Clickmachine apps will be ready early in the New Year. The rest of the administration features will come at a much later date and will largely depend on how hard it is for us to move all the archived gubbins from our old clanky Intranet to the new system and the even more difficult task of convincing our staff not to be scared of new things. We haven’t yet got a fixed date for world domination but we have almost mastered the evil laugh so it’s only a matter of time.
The new look:
As you may or may not know, we have been slowly re-designing our Securio server behind the scenes (oh that’s where you go to use all your apps and website administration by the way!)
As nice as the current dashboard is, it no longer bears any resemblance to our current branding. It’s just one of those things that we have never been bothered to update. However, it’s really annoying me now so I’ve made a concerted effort to do something about it.
Anyway, we are currently re-designing not only the main Securio dashboard but also all the app dashboards. They will all carry a more uniformed look and will match our website much more.
As part of this overhaul, we are also re-developing some of the apps. Mailermatic and Clickmachine are both being slightly revised (and when I say revised I mean improved) and Mailermatic in particular will feature more…err… features. Alliteration aside, it will be good. There will be a choice of templates, the ability to suggest new templates through your Wishlist and a generally better navigation.
Our improvements go deeper than that as well. In the long term, we are also expanding the Securio dashboard to incorporate everything else. Ultimately, this will be the place you go to view invoices, statements, payments, quotes, jobs and basically everything relating to your account with us. That is a much longer-term plan and will be a phase 2 job.
Once we have done that, we will set into motion phase 3, which is our plan for the takeover of the country. Once we have laid the groundwork for that, we will set about taking over the world.
Back to reality and phase 1 (which is the re-designing of the dashboards and apps) will hopefully be finished this side of Christmas. Hopefully the new Mailermatic and Clickmachine apps will be ready early in the New Year. The rest of the administration features will come at a much later date and will largely depend on how hard it is for us to move all the archived gubbins from our old clanky Intranet to the new system and the even more difficult task of convincing our staff not to be scared of new things. We haven’t yet got a fixed date for world domination but we have almost mastered the evil laugh so it’s only a matter of time.
The new look:
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Don't get looted by cowboys
With half the country on fire at the moment and the whole world about to disappear into a financial black hole thanks to America being trillions in debt, it probably isn't the right time to be plugging products and services because no one has any money.
What I will do instead is give a few bits of advice. Firstly, don't go into London at the moment. It's full of idiots who have no moral values. Secondly, be careful in this delicate financial period when looking for cheaper web deals.
It is natural to want to cut back on spending. We are doing it; everybody is doing it. However, when looking for a cheaper deal for websites you have to be very careful. Cowboys don't just exist in the building trade. They are very much in action in the Internet industry too.
If someone offers you a free website or one for peanuts, ask yourself why. Are they really doing it out of the goodness of their own heart? Of course they're not. They are doing it to make a quick buck. Usually in this industry you get what you pay for. If you are on a free hosting site, the chances are it will be slow, unreliable and the service will be worse than Network Rail.
We recently had someone move away from our Webshop app and it broke our hearts. Not just because we lost a valued customer but because it was obvious that their new supplier didn't have a clue what they were doing, had made promises they would never be able to deliver on, and simply saw an opportunity to make a bit of cash. It's sad to see but it happens all the time.
In these troubling times, the World Wide Web is coming into its own. Not only is it the biggest means of networking and getting your message out to the world, it is also one of the cheapest mediums. With well over a decade in the business, we are very experienced in most aspects of the industry, which is why we are still going strong and in a good position, even in this difficult period.
Just be aware that not everyone is as nice or as honest as us. There are some thieving scum out there, not only in London but everywhere in the Internet Industry.
Play it safe and speak to us at Datapartners. We rock!
What I will do instead is give a few bits of advice. Firstly, don't go into London at the moment. It's full of idiots who have no moral values. Secondly, be careful in this delicate financial period when looking for cheaper web deals.
It is natural to want to cut back on spending. We are doing it; everybody is doing it. However, when looking for a cheaper deal for websites you have to be very careful. Cowboys don't just exist in the building trade. They are very much in action in the Internet industry too.
If someone offers you a free website or one for peanuts, ask yourself why. Are they really doing it out of the goodness of their own heart? Of course they're not. They are doing it to make a quick buck. Usually in this industry you get what you pay for. If you are on a free hosting site, the chances are it will be slow, unreliable and the service will be worse than Network Rail.
We recently had someone move away from our Webshop app and it broke our hearts. Not just because we lost a valued customer but because it was obvious that their new supplier didn't have a clue what they were doing, had made promises they would never be able to deliver on, and simply saw an opportunity to make a bit of cash. It's sad to see but it happens all the time.
In these troubling times, the World Wide Web is coming into its own. Not only is it the biggest means of networking and getting your message out to the world, it is also one of the cheapest mediums. With well over a decade in the business, we are very experienced in most aspects of the industry, which is why we are still going strong and in a good position, even in this difficult period.
Just be aware that not everyone is as nice or as honest as us. There are some thieving scum out there, not only in London but everywhere in the Internet Industry.
Play it safe and speak to us at Datapartners. We rock!
Thursday, 7 July 2011
I don't mean rat but can't use the S word
Every superhero has an arch nemesis. Superman has Lex Luthor, Spider-man has the Green Goblin, Batman has the Joker, Bananaman has Apple Man. As my alter ego of Web Developer Man, my Achilles heal is VAT. Whenever I have to do anything that involves VAT, my brain shuts down and I find myself unable to perform even the simplest calculations or programming tasks. This is because, like all superheroes, I too have an arch nemesis. One who knows my weakness and can exploit it. He is known as Tax Man.
Because I’m taking more responsibility in running the business side of things, I am learning more about the intricacies of the financial and legal nonsense. This is hard for me because I have little to no patience for idiots. And everyone who works for the evil HM Revenue and Customs is an idiot.
Not only do they take most of my hard earned cash, they also have silly rules. For instance, since moving my secret base of programming operations to my home (29 Acacia Road) I no longer have to personally pay for things like tea, coffee, soap or toilet paper. I can run that through the company. However, I still have to pay for things like milk and biscuits because they are seen as perks. I just don’t follow the logic. Is a chocolate digestive really more of a perk than wiping my arse? I don’t think so.
They also like to make things ridiculously complicated. I recently helped my fiancée fill in her tax return. What should have been a very simple job of writing the income, the expenditure and the net profit was made difficult by silly notes that referenced sub-notes that referenced pages elsewhere that made no sense whatsoever. Being a government site, they tend to talk in double-negatives and use 50 words where 1 will suffice. Not only that but they are keen to tell you what you cannot claim for but there is very little information offering what you can claim for. If that wasn’t enough, they point out at every opportunity that failure to complete the form correctly will result in you being imprisoned, hung, drawn, quartered and then burnt at the stake.
I suggested doing it online because, being a web guru, I think everything should be done online. However, once logging on to their site, I soon realised this was a silly idea because their website is rubbish. Conceived by a moron and designed by an idiot would be my verdict.
I have recently come to the conclusion that they are deliberately making things overly wordy and unnecessarily complicated to break our spirits so our resolve will be weaker when they come to steal the rest of our hard-earned wages. I have therefore taken it upon myself to end their tyranny. I believe I have located their secret base. It is in the sewers where they dwell with the rest of the rats. I am going there to destroy them once and for all. I am fed up of having to eat toilet paper because I can’t claim for biscuits.
Because I’m taking more responsibility in running the business side of things, I am learning more about the intricacies of the financial and legal nonsense. This is hard for me because I have little to no patience for idiots. And everyone who works for the evil HM Revenue and Customs is an idiot.
Not only do they take most of my hard earned cash, they also have silly rules. For instance, since moving my secret base of programming operations to my home (29 Acacia Road) I no longer have to personally pay for things like tea, coffee, soap or toilet paper. I can run that through the company. However, I still have to pay for things like milk and biscuits because they are seen as perks. I just don’t follow the logic. Is a chocolate digestive really more of a perk than wiping my arse? I don’t think so.
They also like to make things ridiculously complicated. I recently helped my fiancée fill in her tax return. What should have been a very simple job of writing the income, the expenditure and the net profit was made difficult by silly notes that referenced sub-notes that referenced pages elsewhere that made no sense whatsoever. Being a government site, they tend to talk in double-negatives and use 50 words where 1 will suffice. Not only that but they are keen to tell you what you cannot claim for but there is very little information offering what you can claim for. If that wasn’t enough, they point out at every opportunity that failure to complete the form correctly will result in you being imprisoned, hung, drawn, quartered and then burnt at the stake.
I suggested doing it online because, being a web guru, I think everything should be done online. However, once logging on to their site, I soon realised this was a silly idea because their website is rubbish. Conceived by a moron and designed by an idiot would be my verdict.
I have recently come to the conclusion that they are deliberately making things overly wordy and unnecessarily complicated to break our spirits so our resolve will be weaker when they come to steal the rest of our hard-earned wages. I have therefore taken it upon myself to end their tyranny. I believe I have located their secret base. It is in the sewers where they dwell with the rest of the rats. I am going there to destroy them once and for all. I am fed up of having to eat toilet paper because I can’t claim for biscuits.
Friday, 17 June 2011
My phone swims with the fishes
Have you ever heard of a guy called Don Fanucci? You are well educated if you have. If you haven't then I'd suggest you watch the Godfather part 2.
He's a nice Italian chap who runs this great little scheme whereby people have to pay him protection money. If they refuse, he beats them up. It's a brilliant idea. It's also how most big corporations operate.
Take Microsoft for example. We have to pay them obscene amounts of money for the privilege of using their products. During that time we get millions of free patches to download; patches that are necessary because their products are rubbish and full of bugs.
Of course, as soon as one of their products becomes obsolete, these patches pretty much stop because Microsoft isn't interested in supporting them any more. The other thing that happens is the product mysteriously stops working properly.
For instance, I use an older version of Office and I have no reason to upgrade at the moment. The only programs I use are Word, Outlook and Access. I don't use Excel because it's annoying and assumes, always incorrectly, what I want to do before I've done it and I don't use PowerPoint because I'm not an imbecile.
Recently, however, since later versions of Office have been released, Outlook and Word have started to freeze on a regular basis. I can barely move the cursor without it hanging and forcing me to wait 5 minutes before I can compose an email. I often get a message saying Outlook can't open Microsoft Word because it is busy. Well pardon me Mr Gates but I'm the one who's bloody well busy, not Word!
It's the same with Apple and the iPhone. I took out a 2 year contract back in June 2009. It has been brilliant. I've become one of those annoying people who, every 5 minutes, gets the phone out and fiddles with it for no reason whatsoever.
Anyway, recently the thing has started to run a bit slow. The Internet connection is the worst. I can't remember the last time I got a 3G connection and it fails to connect to my email accounts or Facebook on a regular basis. It often takes ages to catch up with itself when I'm composing a text message and there have been a number of occasions where people have tried to call me and it has gone straight to voicemail.
Of course you might argue that the phone is 2 years old and is getting tired. This is very possible but I find it a little strange that it started happening just as my contract came up for renewal. Call me cynical but do you think this could be a deliberate ploy to force me to buy a newer model?
The thing is I, along with everyone else, put up with this because there isn't much in the way of choice. Both companies monopolise their respective markets. Like Don Fanucci, they expect me to wet their beak because I'm just a little punk with no respect.
Of course, Don Fanucci's little business empire collapsed after he annoyed Vito Corleone. So I'm going to take a leaf out of his book. I'm off out to buy a pony and a hacksaw. I'm then heading down to the o2 shop to make them an offer they can't refuse...
He's a nice Italian chap who runs this great little scheme whereby people have to pay him protection money. If they refuse, he beats them up. It's a brilliant idea. It's also how most big corporations operate.
Take Microsoft for example. We have to pay them obscene amounts of money for the privilege of using their products. During that time we get millions of free patches to download; patches that are necessary because their products are rubbish and full of bugs.
Of course, as soon as one of their products becomes obsolete, these patches pretty much stop because Microsoft isn't interested in supporting them any more. The other thing that happens is the product mysteriously stops working properly.
For instance, I use an older version of Office and I have no reason to upgrade at the moment. The only programs I use are Word, Outlook and Access. I don't use Excel because it's annoying and assumes, always incorrectly, what I want to do before I've done it and I don't use PowerPoint because I'm not an imbecile.
Recently, however, since later versions of Office have been released, Outlook and Word have started to freeze on a regular basis. I can barely move the cursor without it hanging and forcing me to wait 5 minutes before I can compose an email. I often get a message saying Outlook can't open Microsoft Word because it is busy. Well pardon me Mr Gates but I'm the one who's bloody well busy, not Word!
It's the same with Apple and the iPhone. I took out a 2 year contract back in June 2009. It has been brilliant. I've become one of those annoying people who, every 5 minutes, gets the phone out and fiddles with it for no reason whatsoever.
Anyway, recently the thing has started to run a bit slow. The Internet connection is the worst. I can't remember the last time I got a 3G connection and it fails to connect to my email accounts or Facebook on a regular basis. It often takes ages to catch up with itself when I'm composing a text message and there have been a number of occasions where people have tried to call me and it has gone straight to voicemail.
Of course you might argue that the phone is 2 years old and is getting tired. This is very possible but I find it a little strange that it started happening just as my contract came up for renewal. Call me cynical but do you think this could be a deliberate ploy to force me to buy a newer model?
The thing is I, along with everyone else, put up with this because there isn't much in the way of choice. Both companies monopolise their respective markets. Like Don Fanucci, they expect me to wet their beak because I'm just a little punk with no respect.
Of course, Don Fanucci's little business empire collapsed after he annoyed Vito Corleone. So I'm going to take a leaf out of his book. I'm off out to buy a pony and a hacksaw. I'm then heading down to the o2 shop to make them an offer they can't refuse...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)